Dear Sis Who Thinks She Has to Stay Through All The Bullsh*%

Dear Sis,

How many more times?
How many more lies?
How many more tears?
How many more years?

It’s obvious that societal pressures, social media, and certain shows have convinced us that the weight of love and all its intricacies should fall on the shoulders of women. We have been deceived into thinking that “ride or die” means that you must endure so much stress and hardship in a relationship to the point that you basically die from the inside out for the sake of experiencing true love or having a man.

Excuses are continuously made for certain men (not all of them) who repeatedly mistreat, disrespect, betray, and lie to women. Both men, and women, say things like: “Well, that’s just what men do; he’s a celebrity; this is the type of industry he’s in; you should expect it; they’re all the same; you may not find a better one than him; that’s all he knows.”

But that’s why I’m here to dispel the rumors and lies.

Yes, there are instances where women have been privately or publicly hurt, humiliated, and embarrassed by their significant others and they’ve managed to push through the difficult and rough periods for the sake of their families. However, don’t believe for one second that this has to be, let alone should be, your narrative. Every person has different limits for what they will and won’t put up with, but you can create your own boundaries.

Sis, don’t be brainwashed into thinking that the more he puts you through and the more you’re able to endure, the more he’ll want to be with you (“what don’t kill you makes you stronger”).

Let’s be honest – you’ve held it down long enough. You, like so many other women, have been through more drama and issues than you can count, and you no longer feel like the strong woman you used to be. You’ve heard time and time again that things were going to change, but you’ve yet to see any proof. Now, it’s one, five, or ten plus years later and you’re still going through the same stuff.

You are emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted. You’ve been so committed to someone else and this blind idea of love that you neglected yourself, let alone the life that God purposed for you.

But I ask you, Sis…what good is it to find love, but lose yourself in the process?  

Yes, relationships take work, but they require work from two people, not just one. Relationships are 100/100 – not 50/50. That means each person must be committed to making it work by putting in the work. They can apologize until they’re blue in the face, but the best way to determine the authenticity of an apology is through their actions. They can’t simply say they want to be better, they have to actually do better.  

Ask yourself – are they putting in as much effort and energy into the relationship as you are? Or have you exerted all of your energy by trying to make it work with someone who isn’t willing to put in the work?

Can you truly say that they treat you right consistently or do you feel like you’re constantly in a messy situation? Yes, every relationship has its ups and downs, but the good times should more than outweigh the bad stuff.

Moreover, when was the last time someone catered to your needs and desires? Who is making sure you’re satisfied physically, mentally, or emotionally? One thing’s for certain – a man that’s good for you will be good to you.

I’m not sure if you forgot, but Queen…you matter! Your voice, mind, body, and soul; your mental and emotional health; what you want out of life…it all matters. Whoever truly loves you will not only matter to you but you will matter to them. Besides, what good is a relationship if the man who means the world to you treats you as if you mean nothing to him?

Sis, I know it’s comfortable and convenient, but comfort and convenience aren’t substitutes for love. It’s not enough to stay just for the sake of saying you’re in a relationship. Furthermore, just because you’re used to being treated a certain way doesn’t mean that’s how you should be treated.

It may seem as if the choices are slim and you’re afraid to let go and start over for whatever reason. However, if you’re holding onto someone who’s holding you back or if you’re chasing after someone who’s clearly running away, then it sounds like you could probably use a new start.

In order to make room for something new, we have to clean out the old stuff. Plus, you never know…God could be waiting on you to move “Mr. Can’t Get Right” out the way so He can send “Mr. Right” your way. Plus, I’d rather you look back and say “I can’t believe I did that,” than to later look at your life and say “I can’t believe I’m still with him.”

Sis, I know you’ve invested a lot into the relationship, but at some point in your life – as with any type of investment – you have to assess whether you’re still getting a return on your investment and if it’s yielding positive results.

I know you’ve been waiting for them to change for what seems like forever, but please understand that you can’t force someone to be with you and you can’t force them to change. If they’re not willing to change, be willing to change your role in the relationship.

Sis, you are a queen and queens are respected, adored, and loved. Hence, you should and deserve to be be treated as such.